Ruby Snackbar

A Hovering Cloud

The cloudy weather outside mimics the cloud over my head. I’m having one of those weeks where I see the amazing things everyone else is doing with their lives, and think my own life pales in comparison. The blessing of living in this digital age of social media is that I get to stay up to date with what everyone is doing, which I quite honestly love. I see these beautiful pictures of world travels, see status updates about new, inspired ventures, exclamations of people in love with their significant others and families. People I know, love and respect are really making shit happen. Following their dreams. Juggling life, money, friends, family and still having these great, grand adventures and seeking out that which they love the most. On the one hand, I *love* to see this this. On the other, I envy these people.

As I sit at home for the umpteenth week in a row, I feel like a bump on a log.  I have been dealing with pain in my foot since last June, and have been seriously trying to treat it since last November. An immobilizing boot, followed by a cast with crutches, and now back to the boot and still on crutches, I’m still not really sure when this is going to get better. I am still having pain that the doctor is unable to explain. I have started physical therapy too, but where I am compared where they think I should be is a different story. It’s terrifying not to know when this will be truly over. I’m not a kid anymore, and sometimes adults don’t bounce back like they used to. The fact that after all this time immobilizing my foot, and I am still having such pain doesn’t seem to make sense to anyone, and that scares the shit out of me. I am home alone all day every day, I can’t see customers, my boss is waiting on pins and needles for this to be done, and it’s a little nerve wracking. I can still talk to customers on the phone, but not leaving the house or seeing other people for long stretches feels strange. I know that all of this rest at home is meant to lead to my healing, but it’s really  hard to see the light sometimes. As a result, I feel like it sucks away my motivation and inspiration for a lot of other things in my life.

I’ve been unhappy in my job for almost two years, and last year began to take steps to find something new. A career change. But that is terrifying in and of itself. Having been in a very specific type of sales for so long (and never wanting to do sales again), I feel unqualified and intimidated by the notion of starting over in an economy like this, when there are hundreds of people after jobs they are 150% qualified for. Still, I did start to light a fire in a search for what else might work for me, but with this injury, I feel like I’ve just put everything on hold. I know I can’t physically interview right now, so I seem to have just stopped moving forward in defining what I want. It’s very strange when this drive just dies, but it’s not something I seem to be able to pick up right now.

I feel isolated. I have been fortunate enough to have friends and family help me when I  need it, but I don’t always like to ask. I know it’s an imposition for people to take time out of their busy lives, and I’m starting to feel like I’m using up my favors. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried really hard to keep up with a social life, but it is always dependent on someone else getting me there. I have had some great times during the past few months, including an amazing party this past weekend, and seeing old friends from Australia. These times are wonderful, and I’m very grateful for them shining light on me. This week, I’m just starting to notice how down I feel in the in between times. I feel disconnected. I’m also feeling at odds with someone who plays a big roll in my life, and this is unsettling, confusing, sad and lonely.

When I feel so disconnected, I hop on Facebook to try to feel connected with the rest of the world. At first this is a lot of fun. But recently (as I mentioned earlier), I find all of the wonderful things happening for other people only highlighting what’s missing for me. I see people who have these amazing lives of travel, with work and money just easily fitting into the picture. I wonder how in the hell they make these lives work, when I can barely pay my rent and all my bills and get two lousy weeks a year off. I see people who have fabulous husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends, and I am still going on a string of awkward dates that go nowhere. I see people talk about incredibly fulfilling jobs, making art and music, creating and performing, going after their dreams with great gusto…and I don’t even know what I’m dreaming of. I try to envision myself in an inspired, productive, enriching life like these, but haven’t the slightest clue of how to get there. I feel like my life is on pause, and I don’t know where the play button is.

I am well aware that I’m having a pity party, and that my life does not ultimately suck. I know I am blessed with so much, and I do have a lot to be thankful for. But sometimes, when things feel out of your reach and you can’t even see them, it’s hard to know how to pick yourself up.

When I feel sad and frustrated, my favorite things to do are intense cardio, yoga, go on a long walk or hike, or get out of town. I can’t do any of these things right now, and so, I write. Just writing things down, getting them off my chest is therapeutic. And, as one of my New Year’s resolutions was to blog and focus on finding my voice, it seems only appropriate that I do this here. At least I’m doing something I set out to do, which makes me feel like I’m not totally useless. Maybe getting the darkness off my chest will make room for me to be able to see the light. Here’s hoping.

Leave Note / Reblog

Tales of a 31st Grade Nothing

On the heels of Valentine’s Day yesterday, I got to thinking about love. I have never been into Valentine’s Day. Not in a “bah, humbug” kind of way. I could take it or leave it. If I have a fella and he wants to do something, fine. If not, I am happy to do whatever. No biggie. It doesn’t get me down not to have a Valentine. But, I am a fan of love, and happy for whoever has it. I’ve been lucky enough to be in it, and hopeful that it will find me again someday. So, I will say that romance was on my mind yesterday. And then I started thinking of all of my dating pratfalls, and I had a good laugh at my own expense.

I refereced in an earlier post that there are things that “could only happen to me…” in the dating world. To wit:

-  I ran into my boss at a convenience store at 2 am where my coworker (a boy I was secretly knocking boots with) and I were drunk and buying condoms.

- I was at the bar at Tommy’s several years back, and these two guys started chatting with me. Let’s call them Scott and Ben. It turned out we had friends in common, and they were cool, so we had a few drinks together. A few drinks later they said we should all get together sometime, so let’s trade numbers. Napkins were exchanged, and off we went.

Ben calls me sometime later to ask me out. I was “on a break” from someone and feeling a bit raw, so not totally sure I wanted to go. Also, it was just about Christmas, so I said, “Let’s chat after Christmas.” Then, he called me the day before New Year’s, and who has time then? I said, “Why don’t you give me a call in the New Year?” So, he called me in January. And now, I thought, “Well, Ben is pretty foxy, and persistant! I remember having a good laugh with him, and I am in limbo with this other dude, so why not!?”

We make a date, I start to get excited. I get all dolled up, and tell the roommies I am heading out. The doorbell rings, and I open the door to find Scott(?) standing there. I am confused. Maybe Ben was calling for us all to hang out, and it wasn’t a date after all? I poke my head out to see if Ben is waiting in the car. I don’t see him. I ask Scott, “Where’s Ben?” His smile fades, and he looks like I killed his puppy. “I’m Ben,” he says.

I felt all the blood rush to my face, and I saw all the blood drain from his. No one speaks for a minute. I think I hear crickets. I then apologize profusely for mixing them up, and sheepishly invite him in. We awkwardly laugh, but it is painful.

He is really tiny, and nothing against small people, but I could have squashed him like a bug. He weighed maybe 105 lbs, and I had several inches on him. I know I can’t speak for everyone, but girls generally don’t like getting busy with boys that they can smother. I am not attracted to him, but not knowing what to do, I uncomfortably ask if he still wants to go out. He says yes. I say, Ok, and off we go.

We try to laugh about it, we both make fun of me, and we have nice meal. I mean, as nice as you can for a date that you never thought you’d be on, where you feel like a total ass. He never really seemed to warm up, and I tried too hard too make it ‘normal’. Without several margaritas in us (as we had a month or so before when we met) and third person (his foxy friend Scott), we really didn’t really click that well. Plus, there was that thing earlier with me answering the door and asking for another person and making him feel bad…

When the date was over, he dropped me at home. We exchanged pleasantries, but the awkwardness had never really subsided, and no suggestions of, “we should do this again…” were uttered. I think we both just chalked it up to a strange experience.

I walked into the house, and my three roommates (plus a few of their friends) were waiting in the living room. One of them had heard the whole exhange when he first came to the door earlier that eve, and apparently spread the news. They all broke out into hysterical laughter, hootin’ and hollerin’. I broke into a huge grin, and collapsed on the floor, convulsing with laughter. I could not stop. I felt like I’d been holding my breath the entire night, and was finally able to let it out. Who else, but me?

- After a few back and forth emails, I made a date with a guy on Craigslist. He seemd like a smart, funny guy. The pictures were fine. He was a lawyer, a burner and active in the SF Burning Man community. Not in my circles, but I found that appealing. It would be nice to expand my horizons.

I went to meet him at Solstice, and waited at a table. A man comes up to me and smiles. I wonder who it is. He introduces himself as my date. Huh. Not so much like the pictures. This middle-aged dude was pushing 300 lbs, and wearing what I can only assume were silk pajamas and slippers with an overcoat. He can see the surprise in my eyes, and explained that his pictures were a little old. Um, yeah. Like 15 years. Sheesh. Plus, why are you in your PJs?

He joined me at the table, where I learned of his 13-year-old daughter who lived with him, and some strange facts about his ex-wife and their legal woes. Not so much the kind of guy I want to date. I joined him in polite conversation, because that’s how I do, but it was not my favorite evening. Misrepresenting yourself in online dating is no bueno. He told me at the end of the date that he really like me, and felt a romantic connection. I told him, I’m sorry, I did not. He looked bummed, and got up and left. I went directly to the bar, had a shot of whiskey, then another and flirted with the hot bartendar over a few more drinks for the next few hours. Nothing came of it, but it was a lot more comfortable than the earlier part of the eve.

- I met an adorable, gay, 25-year-old actor/dancer at a bar. We got along like a house on fire. We talked about theater, movies, dancing, life, goals, etc. I was all sassy with him, the way you are with gay boys. You know, it’s flirty and forward, but safe, cuz they’re gay. It was tons of fun, and he was so sweet. After a few hours and *several* beverages, my friend informs me that she confirmed with another friend that he is, in fact, straight. What?!? I am shocked! I drunkenly storm up to him, and demand, “Are you straight!?” He laughs, and says, “Yes, I am.” “Wait, what? Are you bi?” I ask, bewildered. I was so sure! He laughs again. “No, I like women.” I realize in my drunken state how rude I must have sounded, and apologized for offending him. He said that he’s gotten that before, being in the theater, and all, but assured me again, that he likes girls, and girls alone. I think then I asked him what kind of girls he liked, and he must have said something to my liking, because the next thing I know, I grab this boy, ten years my junior, and makeout with him on street corner in front of about 20 friends. He didn’t seem to mind.

- I had sex on a rooftop and got fiberglass splinters in my ass. It was god awful.

- I was on J-Date for a very brief stint, well, because I told my mother I would at her urging. I did not enjoy this experience. I am not interested in dating someone who prioritizes organized religion, and found that many of the men on this site were not interested in someone as “free spirited” as me.

In any case, I did end up on a date with one guy who I traded a few emails with. He seemed nice, fairly “normal” and easy going. Yeah, not so much. He was quite a strange bird when we met. Intense, super-hippie-touchy-feely. Not at all what I was expecting. I was talking with my hands, and he reached across the table, took my hand and started massaging it, looking deeply in my eyes. We had just met about ten minutes prior! This is not cool with me. I had given off no signal that it was ok to touch me in that intimate way. I shlyly took my hand back, to take a sip of my drink. Then he told me he wasn’t actually Jewish, just liked Jewish girls, and trolled J-Date to find them. Then he stared talking about horse manure at the commune he used to live on. Then he said a few other things that didn’t make much sense to me. Then I told him it was nice to meet him, and best of luck.

- When was 20, I got tanked at Benihana’s on Valentine’s Day with my college boyfriend. They had kareoke in the lounge, and we had several more drinks there after dinner. I am shy about singing, and never do kareoke, but today was the day I would sing him a love song! Afraid to go alone, I drunkenly grabbed some random lady in the crowd to come on stage with me. She was in her mid 40s, and with her husband. We sang George Michael’s “I want your Sex.” There was a lot of gyrating. My boyfriend loved it. I’m not sure how her husband felt. She was a darn good sport for doing this. Then I threw up in the bathroom with she held my hair.

I have more stories, but these are a good taste of my adventures in dating. I actually thought my luck was going to change for the better, as I’ve been on a few great dates with this new guy. Alas, not just yet.

He called to tell me that he very unexpectedly reconnected with an ex. A bit of a bummer, because he was outgoing, smart, funny, and geeky about the stuff i am geeky for. He was really sweet about it though, saying how awesome I was and if he didn’t feel like he had to give this thing (with the ex) another shot he would have loved to have seen where it went with me. I wished him well, and I really meant it. He was a good guy, and at least a very good communicator! I’ve been left wondering what the hell happened to some dudes before, so the respect was nice.

I will say, this is not the first time this has happened to me. The guy I was seeing on my 30th birthday, told me over the phone that he was not coming to my party (that was going on right now, as we were on the phone), because he just stared seeing someone else, and we couldn’t see each other any more. That was pretty rough to hear at your own party. I was super bummed. Luckily for me, I had a lot of great friends there to cheer me up and make sure I still had a happy birthday. Luckily for him, this girl turned out to be “the one.” Not too long after this, he married and had kids with her.

So, maybe it will work out for this last guy too. Maybe this girl will be “the one” for him. Maybe I’m the good luck charm.

In any case, I’ve lead an interesting dating life thus far. Some of it has been tough, and lots that I didn’t talk about today has been wonderful and amazing. The good news is, I am up for the adventure! I wonder what my next one will be….

Leave Note / Reblog

A glitch in the Matrix

I had the most intense deja vu the other night. I was at a work event with my boss, talking about our new budget. This huge wave of feeling like I’d already had the exact same conversation with him in the exact same location with the exact same points came over me. Sure, I have memories of talking numbers with him, but this wasn’t the same. It was very specific. Things we never could have discussed before as this was a brand new concept, and we were in a place neither of us had ever been before. It was like I was recalling a dream. The hairs on the back of my neck raised, and I almost felt as if I was watching the conversation from above. It was surreal, as if time slowed down and I was feeling two different moments at once. I felt kind of wavy, and out of it for a moment. My hands were even a little clammy. I can’t remember the last time I was so affected by this phenomenon.

When I was coming back around and settling back into reality, I started losing the specific details, just like you do when you try to remember a dream. I knew generally what the conversation had been, but the more I tried to think about it, the less I could remember. One of the first new thoughts to pop into my head was Neo seeing a black cat twice in the Matrix, then Trinity telling him that deja vu was a glitch in the Matrix when the machines changed something.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_KmNZNT5xw

About fifteen minutes later, my mother joined us at the party as she and I were going to see a play later that night. The three of us started chatting, and I had another overwhelming sense of deja vu. The three of us have never even been in the same room together, yet I felt so strongly this exact scenario had already been. Every detail felt so clear. Yet now, I can’t even remember our conversation.

What a strange experience. The machines must have been working up a storm on the Matrix that night.

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Single in San Franciso

I know people all over the world say it’s not easy to meet that special someone, but seriously, San Francisco is a particular kind of difficult. Peter Pan Syndrome runs rampant, and many men are content to aimlessly float around this sea of amazing women, from woman to woman, without getting too attached. Having monogamous relationships, families, buying a home, creating a life together, settling down, what have you…these don’t seem to be high priorities for a lot of people who live here.

I know this is not always the case, as I do have friends (both men and women) who have found fabulous partners. I myself have had relationships with a lovely man or two over the years, but the in between stages are hard! You think you’re connecting to someone, only to find that they were only connecting to “the moment.” This is a common story told among the women-folk in San Francisco.

I’m not putting it all on the men, either. I know one of the reasons it’s hard for me to meet people in “the real world” is that I am constantly busy with a ridiculously full calendar of events with my friends. I am so fulfilled by the friendship of those close to me, that I actually have a lot of my needs met (not all, yes, but we’ll get to that). When I’m out with a group of these amazing people, I’d often rather spend time with them than trolling for dudes. And there are a lot of “dudes” out there. I find that many of the men who approach me at bars and clubs are full of cheesey bravado with bad pickup lines. I’m not saying I haven’t been charmed once or twice (ok, more), but generally speaking, it’s a tough way to connect with someone of substance. I also know that I am ridiculously picky, but I’m working on that…

So, how does one go about this? I want to share my life with someone special. I want passion and romance. I want for someone to think I’m the most amazing person in the world, and vise/versa. I want it to happen naturally and organically, but what if it doesn’t fit into my schedule? Or, this San Francisco way of life? In these incredibly busy times, it seems the easiest way is to take it online.

Years ago, I balked at this idea. Internet dating?! So contrived! People judging each other by how attractive their pictures are, reading profiles of potential mates as if off a menu. *Shudder* But, as time has gone on, and more of our lives are impacted by the internet and social media, it seems to be the place to do it. By and large, the stigma of online dating has worn off, and the people who are using internet dating sites are there very specifically because they are looking for what you are looking for. The array of available/eligible men and women online actually seems quite impressive these days.

So, that’s what I’ll do. It’s still not easy. You’re still going to go on a A LOT of iffy dates. This, I know. I have what can best be described as a satirical dating life, with dozens of stories of things that “could only happen to me…” But more on that another time.

In the meantime, including this very time when I am in a cast, I am still going to put myself out there. Because nothing ever happens when you sit on the couch and wait for life to come to you. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, so my goal going forward is to shoot to win.

And, I’m still 100% open to meet people in the “real world.” So, if you know anyone… :)

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My very own follower

Oh, Glory Day! I have a follower. My very own follower! I’m almost famous!

Ok, so it’s not a random stranger who thinks I’m fabulous, but I do expect that to happen soon. That happens, right?

The mystery follower is my very good friend Biggapino, and that’s just about as cool a follower you can get. He’s big, he’s Filipino, he has great fashion sense and he brushes a girl’s hair like nobody’s business.

I love him and his following ways.

(Source: biggapino.com)

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Let the blogging begin

After years of people saying, “Why don’t you blog about it?” I’ve made the executive decision to blog about it.

I’ve always loved to write, and seriously funny shit happens to me all the time. I think you need to hear about it. Although I haven’t spent much time over the past several years writing, I’ve felt the need to put “words on paper” creeping in. With every story I tell, my (captive) audience has encouraged me to write, and for some reason or another, I keep putting it off.

But no more. Among my many intentions this past New Year’s, writing as a form of creative expression was at the top of the list. I love words. I love stories. I love to share my thoughts and experiences. Starting a blog seems like the thing to do to kick it off. And here we are. Kick.

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